What's what??

A taxi driver was driving along when a nun stuck her thumb out, so he pulled over. The nun got into the car, and the driver started driving along.
As he was driving along, they got to chatting, and the driver said, "My names Patrick and I'm a Catholic".
Then the nun said, "My name's Sister Mary, and I work in the local nunery".
They carried on talking, and the driver suddenly said, "Forgive me, Sister. But I have always wondered what it's like to kiss a nun".
The nun thought long and hard, and was thinking, well, he is a nice lad. So she said, "Alright then, Patrick".
So he pulled over and they shared a long meaningful kiss.
Then the driver started driving along again, and all of a sudden, he burst out crying. The nun said, "Whatever is the matter??"
He replied, "I lied to you. My name is not Patrick, it's Samuel, and I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish".
Then the nun started crying too, and she said, "I have a confession too. My names not Sister Mary and I don't work in the local nunery, my name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party".

Rail-way girl...

A railway inspector and his friend in a bar chating...
Friend: Why have you got that big smile on your face.
Railway inspector: I just had the best sex of my life!
Friend:with who?
Railway inspector: With this girl I found on the railway tracks.
Friend: Oh yeah! What did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing body!
Friend: Oh yeah! But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing legs!
Friend: But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had perfect breasts!
Friend: Yeah but what did she look like!
Railway inspector: Don't know never found the head.

Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.

8. Ice floating in toilet water.

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.

6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.

5. You can never find the leftovers.

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.

3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover."

1. Your apartment keys no longer work.

I Shot The Dog

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!” So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!”

On the third day the son comes out and says “MOM, MOM!” she goes “Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?” he replies “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!

Read Real Slow....

A Blonde And A Brunette Are Running A Ranch Together In Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow..."

Love Is Like A Computer...

Garbage in, garbage out: If you keep telling yourself romantic myths about a prince on a white horse saving you, and that love conquers all… living on clichés, you'll never find love. No one's perfect. No relationship is a fairy tale. While gay relationships may contain two fairy tails — neither one of them is perfect! Well, maybe some.


WYSIWYG: If your date is almost Mr. Right – almost the perfect guy for you, if he would just floss and upgrade his hairstyle, then get a new boyfriend – get over it! Some times it's easier to buy a new system than upgrade it. It just won't happen. After all, “What You See Is What You Get.”


Too much input: Dating six people at once. It isn't fair to anyone! How can you integrate all the data and process all the information (about your feelings) if you're running six programs at once? In this case, you're bound to have system errors and hard-drive crashes. No one likes it when their hard drive crashes!


56.6 Baud vs. 14.4 Baud: If your date moves too fast (falls in love overnight) while you're still trying to make a connection, you're operating on different bandwidths. Be careful: He may be connecting with multiple service providers!


Pentium 5 vs. Pentium 1: If a date is stuck with an outdated operating system (lives in the past, dresses in clothes that were current pre-Vietnam), you two may be incompatible. Your date may be stuck in a Pentium 1 lifestyle while you're in a Pentium 5 world. Be leery — slower operating systems are outdated. Two men with different bandwidths will only connect sporadically.


Power Switch: Make sure a boyfriend knows which button turns you on. If he can't locate it, love may never boot up. Since neither of you comes with instruction manuals, don't mute your feelings. Of course, if he knows how to turn you on, he'll also be able to turn you off!


Program compatibility: Sometimes, later editions of the same program can operate earlier versions, but the transverse in not true. Hopefully you'll have enough commonalities to make love work.


Outdated Processor: If you want love – but he sees sex as fun and games – you're wired differently. That's like trying to get a Pentium processor to run a Mac program. Not going to happen!


Mac vs. PC: Macs are more artistic. PCs are more business-oriented. These systems are not compatible; word processing works on both, but other applications do not!


Intranet vs. Internet: If you're a man with a limited, selective friendship base while he has a World Wide Web of friends, you may be speaking different languages.


Secure Servers vs. Public Domains: Some men have a discretionary network of friends. They may put firewalls up or keep their binary info secure. Others send out cookies to newsgroups. Can these two types really find connectivity? Dubious!


Browsers: Some men are just browsers in the World Wide Web of love. They sign on, search, and visit many URLs. But they forget the passwords that open the ports of a man's heart. Be aware of these browsers.


Pop-ups and Spammers: Some men lurk in popular places hoping to be noticed, while others send out indiscriminate emails and IMs to every man alive. They're spammers. Watch out for deceitful men like this. They're liable to be infected with a Trojan horse and could cause your system to crash! ;D

Blondes In Heaven... :X

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"Oh, No!" she said. But Saint Peter said not to worry, he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter. The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.

Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice,set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more."THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"

Simple mathematics

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I`ll be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don’t wait up. Your Wife.

33 Reasons - Why It Is Good To Be A Man?

1. Your *arse* is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's *arse* if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

Hey, Hey ,Hey!

On December 24th at eleven o' clock p.m., a girl with a bathrobe on and a bikini underneath it comes downstairs to find Santa delivering presents to her and her family. Santa looks at her.

The Girl: "Santa, will you please stay?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."

The girl takes off her bathrobe.

The Girl: "Oh, Santa will you please stay?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."

The girl takes off the top part of the bikini.

The Girl: "Santa, please?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."

The girl takes off the bottom part of the bikini.

The Girl: Oh, Santa, please?"

Santa: Hey, hey, hey. Gotta stay, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney with this pricker in the way!"

Specimen Cup

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Do you know WHO I am?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room

no wonder english is hard to learn

1. We polish the Polish furniture.
2. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
3. A farm can produce produce.
4. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
5. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
6. The present is a good time to present the present.
7. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
8. The dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object.
10. The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
11. The bandage was wound around the wound.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22. I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt

Math Lesson

A husband worte the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight"

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for you honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics professor at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary is 18 years old. As a succesful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

30 Harsh Things To Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird...

How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar
territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you
have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of
experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first
time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin'Bikes.

Top 10 Signs You Bought a Bad Computer

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. Its celebrity spokesman is Red Green.

8. You need jumper cables and a friend's car to start it.

7. Its slogan is "Pentium: Redefining Mathematics".

6. The Quick Reference Guide is written on a napkin.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen frequently displays the message, "Is it time for a break yet?"

3. Tech support advises you to have a fire extinguisher ready before you power up.

2. The only chips inside are Doritos.

1. There is no manual, only a hand written note saying "Good Luck".

Are computers male or female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval...
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Things to Never Say to a Woman During an Argument : xD

* Whoa, time out. Football is on.

* Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

* Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

* Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

* You are so cute when you get mad.

* You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.

* Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

* You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

* Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b**ch flakes this morning!

* Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded